Domestic violence is a deeply painful and complex issue that affects individuals across all backgrounds, regardless of gender, age, race, socioeconomic status, or education level. Yet despite its prevalence, domestic violence is often misunderstood. Harmful myths and misconceptions continue to circulate in our society, clouding public understanding and contributing to shame, silence, and barriers to support.

At River Oaks Psychology, we believe in approaching this issue with compassion, clarity, and truth. Survivors deserve to be met with belief, not judgment. To foster a more supportive and trauma-informed culture, we must challenge the myths that perpetuate harm and replace them with empathy and education.

Below, we explore and debunk some of the most common myths about domestic violence.

Myth 1: “If it was really that bad, survivors would just leave.”

This is one of the most harmful and persistent myths about domestic violence. It unfairly shifts responsibility onto the survivor, rather than addressing the abusive behavior that traps them. In reality, leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous and difficult step a survivor can take.

Survivors may stay for many reasons: fear of violent retaliation, lack of financial resources, worry about their children’s well-being, emotional manipulation, or the very real threat of homelessness. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends, making escape even more difficult. Some survivors are told repeatedly that no one else will love them or believe them. Others are worn down by years of emotional abuse that leaves them feeling helpless. Leaving is not a simple decision. It requires safety planning, resources, and support systems that may be completely inaccessible. Survivors don’t stay because they’re weak or passive; they stay because they are surviving under extremely complex and dangerous conditions.

Myth 2: “Domestic violence is only physical abuse.”

Many people imagine domestic violence as only bruises and broken bones. But abuse comes in many forms, such as emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, verbal, spiritual, and technological, among other forms of non-physical abuse. A partner may belittle someone daily, threaten to harm loved ones, control every dollar they spend, monitor their phone calls or messages, or isolate them from friends and family. These tactics are forms of abuse even when no physical harm is present.

Non-physical abuse can be devastating, and its effects can linger for years. Survivors may suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and low self-worth due to prolonged psychological manipulation. It’s critical to understand that abuse is about power and control, not just violence. Recognizing these invisible forms of harm allows us to respond to domestic violence with greater sensitivity, and to validate the pain of those whose scars are emotional, not visible.

Myth 3: “Men can’t be survivors of domestic violence.”

While domestic violence most often affects women, people of all genders, including men, can be survivors of domestic violence. Abuse against men is often underreported due to societal messages that men should be strong, stoic, and unemotional. Unfortunately, these cultural norms discourage men from coming forward, fearing they’ll be disbelieved, mocked, or seen as “less of a man.”

Additionally, LGBTQIA+ survivors often face even greater barriers to accessing support. Queer and transgender survivors may fear being outed or face rejection from family, faith communities, or social services. Some hesitate to call for help out of concern they’ll be misgendered, discriminated against, or not taken seriously by police or crisis responders. Abuse in same-gender relationships is often dismissed or misunderstood, and services are not always inclusive. All survivors – regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation – deserve access to safety, support, and compassion.

Myth 4: “People who are abused must have low self-esteem.”

It’s a damaging stereotype to assume that abuse only happens to people with low self-worth. Abuse doesn’t discriminate. It affects people of all confidence levels, ages, professions, and backgrounds. Many survivors are accomplished, intelligent, and independent individuals who are targeted by abusers precisely because of their strength.

Abuse doesn’t happen all at once. It unfolds gradually, starting with subtle manipulation or control disguised as love or concern. Over time, abusers chip away at a person’s sense of self, often using gaslighting, guilt, or blame to make them doubt their own perceptions. This erosion of confidence is a result of abuse, not a cause. Suggesting otherwise puts blame on survivors instead of recognizing the calculated tactics abusers use to exert control.

Myth 5: “If they’re still in love, it must not be abuse.”

Many survivors remain emotionally attached to their abuser, which can be difficult for outsiders to understand. Relationships don’t exist in black and white. An abuser might show moments of kindness, affection, and vulnerability, which can confuse survivors and lead them to hope for change. They may remember the person they fell in love with and believe that if they try harder or are more understanding, the abuse will stop.

Especially when there are children involved or a long-shared history, survivors may cling to love as a way of coping. But love does not justify abuse. Feeling love toward an abuser does not negate the harm being done. It’s possible – and very common – to care about someone and still be unsafe with them. We must stop using emotional attachment as a reason to question the legitimacy of someone’s suffering.

Myth 6: “They must be exaggerating or seeking attention.”

False claims of abuse are incredibly rare, yet many survivors fear they won’t be believed. Survivors of domestic violence often go to great lengths to hide their abuse due to shame, fear, or concern for how others will respond. When they do come forward, they are often dismissed or doubted, especially if the abuser is respected in the community or presents a charming public image.

The trauma of being disbelieved adds a second layer of harm. It silences survivors and emboldens abusers. This myth contributes to a culture where survivors stay quiet out of fear that speaking up will make things worse. Instead of questioning someone’s motives, we should create environments where survivors feel safe, heard, and supported. Listening with compassion, not skepticism, is one of the most powerful ways we can stand with survivors.

Myth 7: “It only happens in certain communities.”

Domestic violence is not limited to any one type of person or place. It happens across all cultures, religions, socioeconomic groups, and professions. Abuse can occur in wealthy families, in religious households, in LGBTQIA+ relationships, and in communities of every racial and ethnic background.

Believing that abuse only happens in “other” communities allows it to go unnoticed in our own. Survivors may feel even more isolated when their experiences don’t align with societal expectations. When we break the stereotype of who can be a survivor or an abuser, we begin to see the full scope of the problem. And when we see it more clearly, we’re better able to offer real support.

Myth 8: “Substance use causes domestic violence.”

Substance use may contribute to the intensity or frequency of violence, but it does not cause domestic violence. Abuse is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain control over another person. Many people struggle with addiction and never abuse others. Conversely, many abusers are violent even when sober.

When we blame substances, we minimize the responsibility of the abuser. Recovery from addiction is important, but it does not automatically result in healthy, respectful behavior. True change requires recognizing and addressing the belief systems and power dynamics that drive abuse, not just removing the substances involved.

Myth 9: “Abusers were abused themselves, so it’s not their fault.”

While it’s true that some abusers experienced abuse in their own childhoods, this doesn’t excuse their behavior. Many people with traumatic histories work hard to break the cycle and treat others with kindness and respect. Being a survivor of trauma does not give someone the right to inflict trauma on others.

Understanding an abuser’s background may offer context, but it should never be used to justify ongoing harm. Every adult is responsible for their behavior. Survivors need to see accountability, not excuses, for the abuse they’ve experienced. Healing is only possible when harm is acknowledged and stopped.

Myth 10: “Talking about abuse will make things worse.”

It’s common for survivors to feel scared about speaking up. They may fear retaliation, disbelief, or being blamed. In some cases, talking about the abuse can temporarily increase risk if not done safely. But silence often prolongs the abuse and prevents survivors from getting the help they need.

Creating safe spaces for honest conversations can be life-changing. When survivors are met with empathy, resources, and support instead of judgment, they gain the strength to make empowered choices. Talking about abuse doesn’t make it worse. It’s how cycles of harm begin to break, one brave voice at a time.

What Survivors Need Instead of Myths

Survivors don’t need unsolicited advice, criticism, or disbelief. They need:

• Safety: Physical and emotional protection from harm.
• Support: Access to therapy, shelter, legal resources, and trauma-informed care.
• Validation: To be believed and taken seriously.
• Empowerment: Encouragement to make their own decisions at their own pace.
• Community: Connection to people who care and offer non-judgmental support.

At River Oaks Psychology, we are committed to contributing to a world where survivors are heard, seen, and supported. Unpacking the myths surrounding domestic violence is a critical step in building that world. When we replace judgment with understanding, we begin to dismantle the stigma and make room for healing, safety, and hope.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you are not alone. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit www.thehotline.org for confidential support 24/7.

Written by Lauren Presutti